"Be the Woman You Were Born to Be, Not the Doll You Were Sold."

"Be the Woman You Were Born to Be, Not the Doll You Were Sold."  -unknown

I've been trying harder lately to catch myself before saying terrible things about how I look.  Especially in front of my little one. How can I expect to raise my daughter to be a confident woman with a healthy level of self-esteem if I can't even look at myself past the mirror.  How can I teach my son that the partner he chooses doesn't have to act or look a certain way to be worthy when I, myself, don't teach him that there is more to humanity than the shallow surfaces of our skins? It's unnatural for us to criticize our looks as much as we do.  It's pre-programming, and it's not right.  We go to grocery stores and at the checkout we are  bombarded with tabloids which criticize superstars for having cellulite on their thighs or rolls of skin on their back or one too many chins or an ass that's not rock solid.  Next to the tabloids are lipstick magazines that teach you how to get a better body: breast enlargement supplements, a size six dress, legs that never jiggle, a vulva that's not brown.  Ironically, these magazines are sitting right next to the candy bars.  And I get it.  They're telling us, "Hey buy these candy bars because you're sad and discouraged. But while you're at it, buy one of these magazines.  Trust me, you'll need it after you eat that candy bar, you large tub of shit."  

It's asinine  My children are being exposed to a culture that I cannot accept and are absorbing shallow behaviors like sponges.  These marketing techniques objectify women and tell them they need to behave and look a certain way to be accepted.  If you want to be on the cover of a magazine and have people like you, then you need to be skinny and wear lots of makeup and appear to be "like a lady."  Otherwise, you'll end up on the cover of a tabloid and, you know what, little girl?  That's bad.  Never, ever, ever end up on the cover of a tabloid or people will think you are disgusting and fat and wrinkly and stupid and slutty.  Never show your true age or your true colors, your real size, your eating habits, your real breasts or the split ends in your hair, you disgusting pig.  Suck in, stand up straight and Photoshop the shit out of yourself. 

You know what I think about that?  It's sad.  It is sad and it is cruel.  Shame on them for making fun of others for how they look.  It's not okay in school and it's sure as hell not okay in magazines. We should not be doing this to our children.  Our daughters especially, because when they grow up to live in those skins, they will remember what you said about those women in the tabloids.  What if, when we stood at the checkout, we pointed to the women in the tabloids and said, "Do you see this? This is what a lot of women look like and  despite what magazine editors think, there is no shame in that.  She is beautiful just like the skinny woman in the other magazine."  That's what little girls deserve to hear.  They deserve to know that whichever one they share characteristics with in the future is beautiful.  Even if some stupid, shallow, mean gossip mag doesn't appreciate her, someone out there will.  Whether it's me, her brother, her life partner or a complete stranger.

I am teaching my daughter that when she stands in front of the mirror and looks at herself, there's no reason to think about how horrible she looks or what she would change about herself.  I lead by example.  I've stopped saying negative things about my hair or my skin or my weight.  My children will likely inherit many of the flaws that I see, and later on down the road, think poorly of them.  Do I really want my baby going through life thinking she's ugly and stupid?  Saying "OMG, I hate how fat I look today," does a number on the future of my daughter's self-esteem.  Wouldn't a better thing to say be "I'm an intelligent woman" or "I'm strong"?  Isn't there more to us than artificial beauty and impossible standards?  Shouldn't we spend more time appreciating and acknowledging our differences?

I know it's hard.  It's hard to say "I look good today" or "I am a confident woman", "I am prosperous, because I have many friends."  It's hard to admit we're worth it when we aren't the same as everyone else who appears beautiful or powerful.  It feels like vanity.  And throughout our lives, we have been taught that vanity is wrong.  It's one of the seven deadly sins.  It makes us narcissists.  It turns us into hedonists.  It creates power, and women shouldn't have that kind of power.  Throughout history, this hasn't been allowed.  It's time to step away from our cultural spectrum. There is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of conceit or finding value in yourself.  In actuality, isn't that what confidence and high self-esteem is?  It's thinking well of who and what we are. Having confidence and being a narcissist who can't admit their wrong-doings don't go hand-in-hand.  

For awhile now, I've spent less time criticizing myself and looking down upon myself for being less than perfect.  I have made it a point to compliment myself at least once a day.  And I feel better. It's been  motivating me to become a stronger woman, if not for me then for my children.  My daughter will learn to accept that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, not pop culture.  She will learn there is more to herself than all of that.  And my son will be amazing enough to choose his life partner based on his own needs, rather than superficiality.  He won't try and mold that person into someone he or she is not.  If I'm lucky, the two of them will choose partners who can accept them and love them, flaws and all.

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